Be prepared for ANYTHING..

I have been getting this strange pain in my forearm and fingers for the past few weeks. Usually I let shit like that slide, but it’s been getting worse so I decided to get an appointment with a doctor.

Now my usual doctor has left the practice, so I had to get established with a new one. I found one that came highly recommended by some friends. Being a new patient, you have to go through the battery of questions..

…Age?

..family history of heart disease?

.. allergic to any meds?

.. Smoke, Drink?

tap tap here, cold metal stethoscope there..

Then he hits me with

"Ok, disrobe. I need to check your testicles"

WHOA.. Wait a minute. I’m just here for my arm. What the fuck does that have to do with my testicles??
I don’t care how many times you hear it, but when a man says "Let me check your testicles", it can be a bit of a shocker.

To be honest, it kind of freaked me out. I mean, if you are going to have your junk jiggled by a doctor, you at least want to know this before showing up for the appointment. Maybe I could have prepared myself for the event. Psyched myself up or something. I had nothing though. A fucking deer in the headlights. I was totally speechless.

So there I stood in all my glory as the doctor moves the Frank out of the way to check my beans. I did my best to mentally distance myself from the situation. “Go to your happy place” I thought to myself. However, this wasn’t a solo effort. OHHH no.. apparently checking my junk is a team sport.

"turn your head and cough please", the question rips me away from my lucid state, forcing me back to the harsh reality of his latex covered hands gripping my balls.

I squeak out a meager "eh he.. " as if I had the lung capacity of a asthmatic church mouse. My only chance to profess my manliness was lost.

"Again", his gloved hand inspecting my other bag buddy.

Once more I squeeze out something that could only be described as the sound an emphysema-ridden giraffe would make. Fuck me.. I should have just asked him for a pap smear while I was there.

"Everything looks good, go ahead and put your clothes back on"

I don’t think Superman could have dressed himself faster than I had at that point.

OK. I’ve made it through the gauntlet. Let get down to business. "So doc, about my arm"

He does a quick check on forearm.

"just take some Ibuprofen, we'll order a few test and check it again in a few weeks to see how it faired"

What? I just got fondled by this guy for some fucking aspirin??
He signs a few things on my chart, shakes my hand with his ball covered mitts, and sends me on my way.

I walked past the receptionist trying not to make eye contact. I could hear them thinking “He just got his balls juggled by a dude”.

Fear not. I am an optimist at heart. As I drove home, all I could think about was how lucky I was that I haven’t turned 40 yet.